In a previous post I mentioned that my husband and I lost our third child to an ectopic pregnancy. I wanted to share my personal story in hopes that it will give light to someone walking the same walk in their own life.
My first two pregnancies were completely normal, almost easy if you will. So when we got pregnant with baby number three, I wasn’t at all worried about there being complications or even the possibility of complications. I saw the two lines on my dollar store pregnancy test and I was over the moon excited. My first appointment was very limited due to how early I was, standard procedures, blood draw, urine sample, and the dreaded pap smear. My next appointment would hold the first peek at our new babe. During the few weeks that followed that first appointment I started to feel something was wrong. I began having light bleeding and pain that would come and go on my left side. I called my doctor and she assured me that some bleeding was normal and to just rest and if anything got worse I was to go to the local emergency room. A few days passed and it did get worse, I was heavily bleeding and in even more pain. I headed to our closest emergency room to be checked out. The ER doctor ordered an ultrasound, resulting in nothing but a thick endometrium wall, no baby to be found, but there was nothing in the fallopian tubes or ovaries either. The doctor chalked it up to being so early, but also said I could possibly be miscarrying. So again no answers, just more worry. I began to pray very hard, begging God for this child to grow and be in my arms healthy and term. At my next appointment I would finally have answers.
I’ll never forget lying on the ultrasound table and hearing nothing. No “there’s baby” only the noise of the ultrasound machine. After what seemed like the longest few minutes the ultrasound tech put her wand up and excused herself from the room. Something was very wrong, I choked back tears. The tech came back in and printed off a few of my ultrasound pictures and walked me back to a patient room. I couldn’t hold it in any longer, I began crying hysterically. My doctor came in and I learned my sweet baby was in my left fallopian tube. Minutes later I was in the main hospital waiting area, trying to choke back my tears while others talked amongst themselves, all oblivious to the news I had just received. My husband arrived and I was given methotrexate to dissolve (ouch my heart will forever ache from hearing that word) and keep my babies cells from developing further. I was broken, a million pieces on that hospital room floor. My third baby, a heart beat, the wrong spot, being dissolved, a shot that will literally stop their cells from developing, the pain of never meeting this little baby and the only choice I had was to “dissolve” him or her.
The days following were a huge blur. I was to return to the clinic to have my blood drawn every two days to see if the methotrexate was working. Just a few hours after that first blood draw I fell to the ground in agonizing pain; the methotrexate had not worked, my tube could not hold our precious baby any longer. We were at home when it ruptured and my husband was able to rush me to the emergency room. Ultrasound confirmed the rupture. I was immediately rolled to the operating room. As soon as I woke up from anesthesia I asked to see our baby. They showed me my tube and baby in nothing more than a specimen cup, but if you asked me what everything looked like I honestly couldn’t tell you. I was very groggy and disoriented from the anesthesia and can’t recall a single image, just blur. Sometimes I think God knew I wouldn’t be able to see our child like that.
Months after our loss I had a hysterosalpingogram, a big fancy word for a procedure where the doctor inserts dye into your fallopian tubes to check the flow. We wanted to be sure that if we were going to try for again that the remaining tube was in working order. My right tube flowed perfectly. The following month I was pregnant, this time in the correct place.
So mommas out there who might be going through an ectopic pregnancy or a similar loss, just know you are not alone in your journey. It’s okay to cry, it’s okay to be mad and question God and his goodness, and it’s okay to grieve the short but significant life lost even if others don’t understand why you are devastated. Just remember God is always good and he is always with you, even in these dark valleys. Remember to lean into him with all of your being and he will hold you, his power is made perfect in weakness.